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20120926
20121004
Search Results 0 to 16 of about 17 (some duplicates have been removed)
these in an election season that you would think would be crushing obama's reelection chances. and yet they are not. why, you ask? (laughter) it's the subject of tonight's news segment "barack obama's the luckiest dude on the planet." (laughter) in an ordinary election involving a stagnant economy, global unrest, and the typical incumbent president would be at an enormous disadvantage. unless-- >> does the government have a responsibility to provide health care to the 50 million americans who don't have it today? >> well, we do provide care for people who don't have insurance. we pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care and different states have different ways of providing for that care. (laughter) >> jon: unless-- normally he would be in trouble unless that incumbent president is running against the guy who just appeared to suggest that we don't need to do a health care plan for uninsured americans because we have emergency rooms! (laughter) and, like, they're open all night. (laughter) they're, like, 7-elevens but-- (cheers and applause) now that-- what he jus
't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, folks, that is the song that never ends. (laughter) folks, today is the biggest day in the history of publishing. since steve guttenberg invented the bible. (laughter) because today is the official publishing date of my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) i wrote it! what! whoo! wait, wait, wait! stop, stop, stop! jimmy, jimmy, what's with the balloons? i thought we agreed we were going to drop books. (laughter) >> they would have killed you, stephen, they're too heavy. >> stephen: well, obviously we would fill them with helium! duh! (laughter) anyw
seen the eagle's lives. anyway, oprah! so folks, nation, was this election day looming every one is trying to read the tea leaves. except romney who as a mormon is allowed only to read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind.
>> oh, sweet >> stephen: tonight! can prayer change this election? well, picking paul ryan was certainly a hail mary. (laughter) then, obama's making us less safe. that terrorist from "homeland" won an emmy! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (l
, hooray! (applause) but with this election, those conservative values are being put to the ultimate test. >> if obama wins, let me tell you what it's the end of: the republican party. >> stephen: no surprise. republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up. (cheers and applause) and to fight for the g.o.p.'s very existence we have chosen mitt romney as our standard bearer. unfortunately, no one can stand or bear him. (laughter) even some conservatives like peggy noonan who cut loose in the "wall street journal" saying "it's time to admit the romney campaign is an incompetent one." now, that sounds harsh but she issued a correction two days later saying, "i called it incompetent, i really meant rolling calamity." (laughter) but noonan has offered mitt a crucial bit of advice to win this election. "if he is serious he has to put in place a guiding philosophy." so there it is, from noonan, reagan's original wordsmith. but where this late in the campaign will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) toni
to resurrect the ottoman empire by denying us bacon. (laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have plenty of prayers-- thank thanks to a new web site called 40daystosaveamerica.com. >> all around us we see a nation falling around us into attacks on religious liberty. we're asking pastors and congregations all over america to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. prayer plus fasting plus action equals change. >> stephen: that's amazing. because usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out. (laughter) now, the hero-- (applause) the hero behind this project is texas pastor rick scarborough who last august helped launch rick perry's pr
mitt a crucial bit of advice to win this election. "if he is serious he has to put in place a guiding philosophy." so there it is, from noonan, reagan's original wordsmith. but where this late in the campaign will mitt romney find a guiding philosophy? it seems hopeless! so this weekend i pinched out a loaf of hope! (applause) tonight i am proud to introduce my new book "america again: rebecomeing the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) it is fulle market principles and tonight in keeping with those principles my coverage of me talking about my own book is brought to you by burger king-- home of the "why don't you buy this book"? (laughter) folks, this is the complete conservative guiding principle that mitt needs on everything: jobs, health care, even the controversial practice of hydrofracking which i explain with the help of a cartoon farting dinosaur. (applause) but don't worry. it's not all that technical. and mitt romney, the first copy is yours! second copy is mine. (laughter) i can't wait to read it. now let me just inscribe this bad boy right here. okay. uh-huh
Search Results 0 to 16 of about 17 (some duplicates have been removed)